Appointment Update

Doug and I met our OB yesterday, Dr. Kelli Beingesser. As Doug said as we left her office, "we obviously have a kick-ass doctor!" I was confident that we would like her--she knows many people we do and--at least I had hoped this--as the the only practice with midwives on staff, I thought we were safely picking a doctor who has a more "progressive" or "natural" philosophy toward childbirth. She actually addressed that issue right away--they do not perform elective inductions and avoid using pitocin in general. Even to the point that the nurses as the hospital where our doctor delivers babies file complaints about "standards of practice" when the doctor simply lets the mom labor as long as she needs to. It seems terribly backwards and even misogynistic to consider inducing labor, epidurals and even perhaps c-sections as "standard practices!" It's as if women didn't have babies until western medicine came along? Not that we should really be blaming western medicine because we all know who rules western medicine--the insurance companies. We have to get to see Michael Moore's new film...I have heard from several people that it is fantastic.

Anyhow...I don't really fear childbirth but the things that do--did--worry me was being pressured into pitocin or even a c-section because my labor was taking more than 6 hours or whatever. I am so relieved that not only will Doug and our doula advocate for me but so will my OB! What a freakin' relief.

And we heard our baby's heartbeat again! It seemed to have slowed down--sounds more like a normal heartbeat. I asked Dr. Beingesser about the wive's tale about the heart rate...slower means boy and faster means girl. She kinda winked and said that we have a 50/50 chance! I still think we are cooking a boy but who really knows...right?

Everything seems to be progressing nicely! I still have not gained any weight! I cannot believe it...my weight fluctuates so much usually! I think it helps that while the morning sickness is gone...I still cannot overeat without feeling ill or getting massive indigestion so perhaps pregnancy will help me develop better habits...don't eat the rest of the filet mignon just because it is on the plate!

And Doug and I are off to Las Vegas tomorrow! We are celebrating 5 years of wedded bliss...and enjoying a little time away while we can. We are going to back to the Luxor--where we spent our first weekend trip away together oh so many years ago...back in 2000. I will be thinking of all you as I sweat and drink mocktails by the pool!!

Peace.

Nearly 16 weeks pregnant!

It's been forever since I posted! I have been so incredibly busy! I just returned late on Sunday night from Portland, OR. I traveled there for the annual General Assembly of Unitarian Universalists as a chaperone for our youth group. I had an amazing time with both our youth and at the conference; I was so impressed with all of the LOVE.

The highlight of the GA for me was when I attended a lecture by Robert Fulghum. He is the author of one of my favorite essays, "All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." I had not idea that Robert Fulghum was a UU minister...he is, in fact, Rev. Robert Fulghum. My dear old friend Paul Bergman gave me Rev. Fulghum's essay when we graduated from high school back in 1992 and wrote a funny/somewhat catty inscription in it. He said that "if the Book of Mormon doesn't supply the words you choose to live by I think this one will." Both of us were, at that time, fallen Catholics who had rejected organized religion completely. The Book of Mormon mention was a joke...there was NO way either of us would look to a "holy" book for any direction whatsoever! I think he perhaps recognized something that I did also--spiritual fulfillment did not need to be found in some traditional religious dogma, but instead in something like Robert Fulghum's little book of kindergarten wisdom.

Well, here I am, fifteen years later, living by the principles of Unitarian Universalism (well, at least trying to most of the time) and there was Rev. Fulghum, on my bookshelf, this whole time. I believe he used the word "stealthy" to describe the way he shares the UU Principles...his books have been bestsellers all over the world. Lots of people ask me what the heck being a UU is all about and it's somewhat hard to explain...unless of course you also have a copy of Rev. Fulghum's essay in your bookshelf--then it is pretty easy to get. I think the main message I took away from Rev. Fulghum was to live...right now. To take joy even in our struggles...which means for me lately to not get upset when I cannot stay up forever or push my body physically as I could when not pregnant. Instead of feeling guilty or whatever for not being able to do as much as I used to, I may take joy in this, struggle and all.

In addition to loving being around all of those UUs, I loved Portland! Man, what a city! The youth leader and I (Jennifer also!) joked on the way home...why in hell don't we live there? I loved everything about it...free public transit downtown, great food, green everywhere, the strawberries (thanks to Helen and Troy...our pals who live there)--everything! Portland also supports a lot of sustainable living initiatives and very different from Fresno, seems to have urban sprawl under control. The housing prices aren't too bad...somewhat comparable to Fresno--maybe a little more, depending on where you want to live. Fantastic city. I didn't get to enjoy all of the microbrews while up there, of course--but I do plan to go back and enjoy!!

It was also so great to see our pals Helen and Troy! Helen is 18 weeks pregnant and so it was so nice to chat with another pregnant lady...although I have been so jealous of her pregnancy experience...no morning sickness! Yes, mine finally went away (I frankly don't even feel pregnant anymore...aside from the fatigue/exhaustion) but I am still jealous! And...she has the cutest little bump...I still have no bump. I don't think I will actually show for another couple of months...my belly was already pretty bumpy so the little dude has to be bigger than 5 inches (what he is now) to actually see him through my preexisting bumps. :) har har. It's nice to know that if we ever do move to Portland, our little one has a friend already!!! Helen and Troy took me for a driving tour of Portland...we ended up at the Rose Garden which was gorgeous...and hit a ritzy garage sale (it was so ritzy that the folks hosting it simply called it a "G-Sale"). Helen and Troy apparently love g-sales and made out pretty good at this one! hehe!

With my mind and heart still in Portland, I began to teach at our church's day camp on Monday! I am teaching the 7/8th grade kids and boy...is it a challenge!! I really love being with them but were we that wiggly when in 7/8th grade? Okay, yes, I definitely was...I couldn't shut up. In the 8th grade, I was moved to the front of the class, in front of the door with the glass window that looked directly into the principal's office--from which the principal would shake her finger warningly at me, throughout the day. So, okay...I get it. I do really enjoy them...they make me laugh. They also want me to tear my hair out... hehe. I really love working with the directors of camp...Jennifer and Aubree...fun and funny gals who really know their shit. All of this youth ministry stuff is very new to me so they have been an INCREDIBLE help!!

As you can see, I am feeling better. With the disappearance of the morning sickness, I seemed to also gain a little of "me" back! When I was so sick, I felt so incredibly powerless--I was constantly at the mercy of my body. I still feel this to a large extent; as I mentioned above, I simply cannot stay up as late or pack my days as full of activities as I could before I was pregnant. It is simply not possible--my body honestly just gives out. My back begins to ache, my legs begin to ache and I am overcome with a powerful desire to lie the hell down. In Portland this was especially tough...as a chaperone, I felt awful when the teenagers were still bouncing off of the walls and the other chaperones were also tired...but I just had no steam at moments. I appreciated their giving me "a pass" and fully intend to extend the same favor to them or other chaperones in the future--pregnant or otherwise!

Other than the exhaustion...my pregnancy seems almost unforgettable! I don't really look pregnant (although Doug swears that I "glow") and I have yet to feel the baby move. I thought I did about 2 weeks ago but have not felt it since and have chocked it up to gas. :) I do have a doctor's appointment on Friday and will hopefully schedule my first ultrasound. We only plan to get one...just to be on the safe side. If nothing seems wrong, I am all for keeping this pregnancy as un-medicalized as possible.

I'll write again after our doctor's visit! Peace.

Last Day of First Trimester!

Okay...here we are...week 13! As Doug mentioned in the previous post, I am hoping for magic when I wake up tomorrow! I have heard so many positive stories of women feeling like they can conquer the world during their second trimesters...I am so hopeful that this will be my story, also!

What I don't expect to go away--something that has been particularly strong lately--is my bionic sense of smell. As I sit here writing this, I can smell the fabric softener that I used on my clothing and Grizzly...who is sitting at least 5 feel behind me. What is truly remarkable about my incredibly strong sense of smell is that pretty much since we found out about our pregnancy, my allergies have been out of control (did you know that pregnancy often aggravates allergies? It's true!). So, despite my sniffly, sneezy and stuffed up nose, I can smell everything...all of the time! What is positive however is that many of the smells no longer make me want to yak...although the thought and smell of coffee (this is just such a tragedy) still don't settle well with this mama.

Another pregnancy fun fact! Did you know that pregnant ladies are more prone to gingivitis? It's hormonal, apparently. Seemingly just like everything else in pregnancy, right?

Pretty much. :)

Late Night Musings

Well, it's late Thursday night, I've been meaning to post for a couple of days, and now that I am sitting in front of the computer, I can't quite think of what to write about.

Figures.

Jenn had somewhat of a bad day, feeling particularly icky, slightly dizzy and really sniffly. She is definitely ready for that magical second trimester that she keeps hearing about. Said trimester officially begins Saturday morning, so there is this somewhat wishful, but half-serious expectation that she will wake up that morning feeling like a million bucks. We can hope.

I'm ready for her to feel better, but not because she has been a drag or anything. I just feel guilty because I haven't had to deal with any of the crap she is going through. Hmmm, that sounds a little bit selfish...I want her to feel better so I can feel better.

I did go through a bout of sympathy heartburn this past week. I had it for three days in a row and it seemingly sprang up out of nowhere. I figure it was out of sympathy because I have had heartburn a total of three times in my life up until then, so what else could it be. Right?

I've been really surprised by people being surprised that we are not going to find out the gender of our baby till he/she is born. Whenever I tell them that, they just look at me with this look of "are you crazy?" Well, no, not really. Nowadays, when asked the question "do you know what you are going to have", I say "a human." Someone recently imparted that wise-ass retort to me, but I can't remember who at the moment. Whoever you are, a big thanks...I love the look people give me when I say that.

Some have even commented on how brave we are to not find out the gender until Jenn gives birth. Brave? Maybe for having a child in the first place, but for not knowing whether it will be a boy or girl? I guess it just doesn't really matter to me one way or another -- I'm just excited to find out when the time comes.

Oh, our kid will play baseball. Boy, girl, doesn't matter. Unless he/she doesn't want to. Then subtle forms of coercion will have to be employed. We're not baseball fanatics, I swear...we just really, really like it. =)

Enough rambling for one evening. Off to bed so my sleepy mind can rest.

Peace.

Week 12!

We are officially 12 weeks along in pregnancy today! Perhaps it is not the best thing to do but I enter week 13 tomorrow (my last week in the first trimester) with some pretty hefty expectations.

First and foremost, I hope my body makes good on what most people say about the second trimester--that the nausea and exhaustion goes away and, as my good pal Helen describes it, you feel like Superwoman. I look around the house at all of the things I want to get done before the baby arrives (actually, more like before I begin the fall semester): clean, redecorate and reorganize the 2nd bedroom (soon to be nursery), clean up the backyard, etc and I wonder when I will have the energy to do all of this?? One of the gals in my iVillage expecting club started a thread called "You know you are pregnant if..." and someone contributed: "if every time you walk by a couch you want to take a nap" and even this far along, I feel like that!! Granted, even before the pregnancy I loved to take naps but this definitely a different deal!

Another thing I look forward to is--and I feel like such a bad mother for saying this--enjoying this pregnancy! Because of the sickness and exhaustion, I don't feel like I have really enjoyed being pregnant thus far. I know it is still early on and the fun stuff (feeling the baby kick, etc.) is yet to come, it's strange how I already feel a little bit guilty for not enjoying every minute of being pregnant. So many mothers have shared with me how much they loved being pregnant and frankly, while I am so excited to nurture this little being inside of me, I mostly feel like, "ugh...when will this crappy feeling end?"

I remain hopeful for both of these things!! I shared both of these with my mom last night over the phone and she said, "well, it's not like magic." While I do dream that I wake up in a week from tomorrow feeling like a million bucks, I am fully prepared for the reality that I might still feel yucky. I do feel very strongly that I need to stay super-positive and keep my mind in the right place, however--that this pregnancy will not only meet my expectations but exceed them.

I also have to share something I have been dealing with since we heard the baby's heartbeat last week! It was an incredibly joyful event but as I mentioned in a previous post, it made the pregnancy feel super-real. The fact that there is a living, breathing and moving being inside me has been mind-blowing--in both joyful and somewhat scary ways. Generally, I feel like I am dealing just fine with the changes happening in my body due to the pregnancy but at the same time, it is somewhat disturbing to wake up every day knowing that my body has been somewhat taken over by this kid! While I think it is amazing that all of this is happening, it is still somewhat strange to really think about what is going on...another human is living in my body? He or she is slowing down my digestion to absorb nutrients from the food I just ate? My body is producing and will eventually be pumping almost double the amount of blood it did prior to the little dude's implantation? It's somewhat wacky to sit back and really think about what is going on inside what I always considered "my" body!! It doesn't really feel exclusively mine anymore and that, in and of itself, is a wacky concept to deal with.

And I do have to say one more thing...even though the laundry and dishes don't get done with the frequency they did before or dinner isn't as exciting as it used to be, I still feel so damned productive at the end of every week! I am, after all, making a kid! I can nearly feel my uterus now in my lower abdomen (I also expect to begin to look pregnant rather than just chubby during the second trimester!) so I know the little dude is cooking away...hopefully happy as a clam. So--and maybe this is for the benefit of Doug, primarily--even though he sometimes doesn't come home to the cleanest house or we are again eating beans and rice or pasta, I'm working hard to cook the best kid ever! Hehe. :)